Do You React Or Respond – When our stress levels exceed a certain point, the prefrontal cortex (the part of our brain behind our forehead that makes smart and rational decisions that help us function in life) actually shuts down. In this space, we are more likely to make hasty decisions that often make things worse, not better. Good intentions will not unfold the way we want until we manage to calm our nervous system, lower our stress levels and re-establish our prefrontal cortex.
If we don’t know how to act, we can react and kill ourselves because our stress increases. When we know how to act, we are better equipped to respond and take care of ourselves, which reduces stress. Writing down our normal dynamics often makes it easier for us to recognize these patterns in the future, giving us the opportunity to move away from the reactive habits that often get us into trouble.
Do You React Or Respond
When we are in different stressful situations, we tend to show common patterns of thinking, feeling, and acting. Sometimes we may not realize how stressed we are until we notice some of these symptoms.
Woman To Woman: React Vs Respond
Prepare for war in times of peace, not in times of war! Plan ahead what you can do to take care of yourself while your prefrontal cortex is active, because when stress levels rise, you won’t be able to do this effectively.
The React or Respond chart is a tool to learn more about your autopilot habits and plan your next self-care steps in advance. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, check out this cheat sheet.
If I were a fly on the wall watching you in your natural environment, what things would I see you doing? How can I tell you how stressed or relaxed you are?
Respond Don’t React
This chart has three rows (safe zone, vulnerable zone, dangerous zone) and four columns (behavior, emotion, cognitive system, and self-care/safety system).
The numbers on the left indicate your stress level on a scale of 1 (low stress) to 10 (high stress). Each row describes what you typically do (Behavior), feel (Feelings), and think (Thoughts), as well as other ways you can take care of yourself (Self-Care/Safety Plan) to reduce your stress levels from related stress. . The “zone” you’re in.
Complete this table from bottom to top (from safe zone to dangerous zone) with each of these measurements:
Chart Shows If You React Or Respond To Your Kids
*It’s okay if you have trouble completing this table. You can ask someone who knows you well and feels comfortable filling it out for you.
While the first three columns of behaviors, feelings, and thoughts are what you usually do without trying, the last column of the self-care/safety system includes things you would do on purpose. Here you can identify hobbies or interests, such as doing them
Self-care is a little different than behavior in that it’s about keeping yourself in a safe (grounded and energetic) place.
When You Are Stressed Do You React Or Do You Respond? There Is A Huge Difference
Usually, when stress levels rise, our hobbies are often the first thing to go, even though they are exactly what we need to keep our stress levels low. Make sure the activities listed in this box are very easy, believable, simple things that you can do or start doing in 3 minutes. If these tasks are unclear or poorly defined, you are less likely to complete them when you need them.
If you feel stuck on this part, talk to a friend or therapist who can help you develop ideas for things you can realistically do.
After completing the diagram, make 2-3 copies. Post one copy where you see it often (eg fridge, desk at work, bedroom) and give a copy to someone who can refer to it for good care (eg spouse, close friend, family member, therapist) .
Are You Reacting Or Responding?
Based on what you wrote on the scale, on a 10-point stress scale, what is your first level of stress these days? Do you feel like you’re hovering around a 6 or 7 and teetering on the edge of the danger zone? Or closer to 4 or 5 where you can easily get to a safe place?
Circle that baseline number and then set a goal to lower it over the next month with the help of a loved one, self-improvement books or podcasts, or therapy.
Looking for help with your feelings? Get the free 9-page guide “How to Work with the BIG Emotions: Anger, Sadness and Fear”
Control How You Respond To Things Sent To Destry Your Peace
As the holiday season approaches (and around family holidays like Mother’s or Father’s Day), old wounds are repressed, triggering feelings of anxiety, guilt, frustration, shame, anger, resentment, etc. If you’re SCARED of seeing other people while on vacation, read on for some questions to ask yourself to help you set boundaries.
Alexithymia is the difficulty or inability to speak, navigate, or manage emotions; sometimes it is due to cognitive emotional neglect (CEN). Read about two books that can help you know how to be emotionally healthy.
Having trouble asking for help? Hyper independence actually creates more problems than it solves. Learn what anti-addiction is and how to overcome it.
Respond Or React Worksheet
Here are 3 tips on how to take care of yourself. (Hint: it’s not too different from what you already do or hear about plants!)
Burnt out from pleasing people and putting others first, you last? The Fuck-it list can help you revive your empty tank and build your confidence and self-esteem!
Anger is not a BAD emotion and it is not an emotion that makes you bad. This feeling gives us the opportunity to change our relationship so that there is enough space for BOTH of us.
Respond Or React? Worksheet
Numbness begins when your body GETS TOO MUCH: stimulation, experiences, demands, sounds, colors, sensations, etc. Learn to follow your body and take good care of yourself.
Find out how to work with (not against) the feeling of fear and the experience of anxiety so you can stay focused, maintain emotional balance, and engage with life despite uncertainty.
We live in a society that is addicted to happiness, but does not know true happiness. Find the nuts and bolts of happiness, which is not without its hard parts of life, but nevertheless persistent.
React Or Respond
Sadness goes hand in hand with happiness, as both speak to what is important to you. Here are some books, podcasts, and resources to help you get through your grief.
Anger, even though we call it a “BAD” emotion, can actually help people PROTECT what’s most important and ACHIEVE what they want in life. Here are some books, podcasts, and resources that can help you manage your anger effectively.
Enneagram therapy and enneagram training have similarities, but there are big differences that affect whether it’s right for you. Read this blog to learn more about the differences.
Tgis (the Good I See): Respond: Don’t React
Learn about the emotional habits you have based on your Enneagram type. How do you manage the 5 BIG emotions MADNESS, SADNESS, HAPPY, SCARED and NUMBER?
Emotional flow helps us break out of the emotional cycle of guilt, shame, and emotional cycles. But how do we move from the vortex of emotions to the FLOW of emotions? Read this post and find the missing ingredient.
Emotions are a language we can learn to speak well. How do you feel? This feeling tells you what you need and whether that need is being met.
Self Management: If You Can Name It, You Can Tame It — Wellspring
Do you have feelings about your feelings? Emotions are not the problem; EMOTIONAL WHIRLS i. Find out what stirs your emotions!
Does your Enneagram type match your partner’s type? It is NOT that easy at all! Compatibility is about learning how to fight together and overcome each other’s type patterns.
Can’t you hear anything? Are you feeling numb? Boredom says, “Too much.” Learn 4 ways to take care of yourself by doing things SMALL.
Um….. No. You Are Wrong — Navigating Challenging Dialogue
Does fear paralyze you or make you not know what’s next? Learn to engage your MIND, HANDS and HEART and let your fourth sense, FEAR, help you face the challenge.
Empaths try to put their own needs before others, but assertiveness is a necessary part of any relationship. Read these quick tips on how to be assertive and create a BALANCED relationship.
Use the chart of concentric circles of connection to organize your current relationship and make changes so that closeness and separation will be okay.
How To Respond Rather Than React
Unlike the other BIG FIVE emotions, JOY is not our need. Instead, JABULISA tells us when a need is met and the best way to respond is to CELEBRATE it and pay it forward.
Join me and fellow therapist, Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali, as we discuss toxic relationships, couples counseling, Christian therapy, and misconceptions about therapy.
Joanne is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Certified Brainspotting Practitioner in San Jose, California who loves helping people build emotionally successful relationships. It helps people SICK of anxiety, shyness and allergies
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